I find the design of a tree very intriguing. Yesterday while just travelling to my destination I tried to really see these beings (as I would call them since they are very much alive), like I was unfamiliar to them, as if I was a new born marvelling at a space I never thought as possible, I honestly tried. J . What I saw is something that resonated with my own life and actually, what I needed to learn and still continue to. First of all, the branches, which have sprouted in many directions, each seeming so perfect, made me to ask myself about the many choices I have made. How the tree has many paths, all from the same channel or lifeline, like the stem represents, not just one simple laid out branch. The collective umbrella-like structure, is what really made the tree so beautiful, these various projections. It’s like that channel, here being the stem, stored directions, choices each branch can make, but it felt to me that a tree didn’t have such a choice. It just grew, regardless.  It gave me a smile, to see how each tree has its own uniqueness in the shapes of its branches, leaves, and just the whole entire framework. How they are connected on the same ground for their roots to drink nutrients from the earth, the silence being caressed by the wind, the lack of comparison or competition, the sense of an energy that states, ‘we just ARE’, and we are here. Another smile arose, this time from my heart. It was comforting, as time and again we as human beings fail to see this kind of connection. To see this possibility on just an area with trees, did revive me that we also can have such. A reminder sank in, of how unique every experience is, especially for humans, even with such distinctions, the entirety of it all is, we are all people. And because we are people, choice is one gift we fail to fully explore why it has been given to us. We taint choice to the labels of ‘good or bad’, depending on what they have given us. One would say, but angie, there is a lot of bad choices people make. I have thought on this, in one point believing it, seeing bad choices in my life. But when I see what I learn from those ‘bad choices’, the label just disappears. It fails to be bad anymore. Thing is, YOU are the one who makes the choice that in turn makes itself into an experience you gain, whether you embrace it or not. And these words were just so hard to swallow, for me, to realize that choice is what makes me what I am and how I choose to see that self.  The roots of the tree grounded it, made it fortified in how it stood, in a way, appearing to mould how the tree would grow. And then, a thought rushed, ‘we also search for grounding, for a source that gives us the life we have’, yet, we still want to create that source in how it would suit us best, not just letting it be within us, and in turn in the midst of our lives. This confuses us very much, we create what we don’t know with what we know. Learn from a tree, it does not question its existence, it just knows it is where it needs to be

......

I heard someone say a devastating phrase ‘we are not equal, we are only equal beneath the ground’. What happened? Where is the root of the tree that made us think that its branches do not stem from the same tree, of oneness. People have mistaken this word ‘oneness’ into ‘sameness’. But it is not, oneness embraces the connection we each have with our surroundings, as we distinctly experience it differently. We need to see that poverty is a manifestation of our own internal unbalance, and that the wars we see are conducted by our own brothers, sisters, sons, loved ones who feel it patriotic to act against another since that is their occupation. They too have mouths to feed and the society that ‘cares’ about them is breaking them into vicious creatures with no drop of empathy when killing a family. Bloodshed, hunger, are all reflections of each person in this planet, our own stories, thoughts, beliefs manifesting. The sense of community in every society, which is a blatant façade, masks an internal cry which most do not feel the need to be aware of.  The way we, as a whole with obvious differences, have succumbed to petty labels of divisible nature, is sad. WE are more than that, more precious and amazing than what this world has made us think we are. To step into that awareness of how we have been deluded, and also deluded ourselves, is a great feel, not easy of course to embrace and unravel, because we love to feel that sense of belonging our communities give. We need to question though, if we deserve a sense of belonging that is not deep rooted, and that does not embrace our complete potential, but always constructs us into models of what they expect us to be. We have to rise above such limited existence. I do though, inner-stand that we have different cultures, backgrounds, but that should not be the only plane to which we choose to perceive this world. The love we truly are is that which a word cannot fathom, even the mind itself. 

hold me, like the last drag of your cigarette in your lungs, just inhale me like your last breath.. pixels of your face formed like a ray in my iris, bright, reflecting grace, as you slowly drank my blood as passion. Indulge in the lucid dreams it gives you..sniff me like the white devil.. i want to be your high.

The LifeLine

Her white beads, little pearls of hope she sees in the salt that she scatters

Her red beads, blood stained crystals of those that guide-be her

Her hair, think strings that source her to the Beloved

Ten magical wands make her hands, mapping  brown streams of healing

‘The bones speak, they have little mouths of truth, they release flesh from the body and free the spirit, they speak’.. she says this to a skin-made bag.. given to her by her grandmother.

She is now gasping, growling, bending to her own being

She is reaching out for thin air,  grabbing nothing, still gasping.. ‘they whisper to me you’.. now telling her uncle

She now holds water like she is one with it.

Red and white beads flying with the air of her locks

She now holds water like she is one with it.

‘cleanse him, cleanse him’!!!!

That cloth with ritualistic dances rhythms the connection with her tribe

She feels them surrounding her, their bare feet on the ground, holding her still, 'be, child'

But it’s only their spirits present

The cloth covers all her fears with a comfort she feels in her core.. it’s a sort of love.. a deep love that never leaves her.

‘shelter me from my fears great mother, I’m afraid’

‘My eyes burn with dreams’.. she notices.. but she loves the alternative existence they brew

Its peaceful, it heals her while it heals him, her uncle now saying incantations she fails to know why she understands  like the mother tongue she speaks

05/09/11

The God of passion

I knew of a place where I was the god of passion

Dripping desire from my fingertips in which the apathetic nation suckled

Having eyes of auburn nature, I was the fire in every heart

Ignited by flesh instead of spirit chants

I was a fountain, clothed with deity pigments of white silk around my brass body

Clouds were my messengers, engulfing sight into inspiration of those with the courage to look unto me and embrace my sun like face

‘Cut me loose from your breasts’, they all prayed... yet they were breathed from pebbles of purity that i fused with my own soul

Self-sacrifice is what I decided as my fate

Yet mortals of flesh clothing never worshipped my immortal glance to gain beauty-full inspiration, cleansed from a sort of fear, not completely

I wished to be seen as the only river in the drought of their lives

To be the only tree that gave them fruit to eat

Yet, they praised my brother, compassion, never dwelling under his protection

They loved his name as it gave re-birth to wilting souls

But none dwelled in him

This is why he broke himself into rays of hope, faith

For he was too much for such a timid race like theirs

They still fear me, saying 'glance so strong, we can never hold, be the light, but never bright'

Tears are still my oil, they keep my molded body shining, tears of those that worship me

I, in a world surrounded by solid matter that fantasized of becoming long fragments of energy

Dipped in all potential possibleness 

Was still, a god of passion

The Coin

The shadows surrounded him, he saw them as they consumed every light in him. He loathed the pain yet enjoyed the state in which he could not see himself. His dreams grew colder, darker, the paint in his hands was too heavy for him to paint with. He did not need colour or the happiness each stroke brought, it was all too temporary for him as the rain would come and wash his canvas- mind clean. Demons, angels, were the watchers of his life, taught him that light and darkness are the sides of one coin, that they needed each other to build his wings. This was hard for him. He was suspended in the middle of these two worlds. He thought that there was a choice, he saw that he needed to be a manifestation of one. His spirit was torn. Reality and fantasy fused between his eyes, each too quick for him to grasp. One demon told him, ‘choices aren’t made, they make themselves when the time is at hand’.. he did not understand what this meant, so he travelled between the clouds and met an angel pouring colours in a rainbow after a rainy day of summer. He asked the angel, ‘are you of light or are you of the dark’.. the angel continued to say.. ‘I am of neither’. He went back in his dreams, tried looking for answers that he never seized.  Life became what he dreaded, which was the lack of choice of either. He lived in both. 

A Reality to sleep on

It’s a little over two after midnight now, a little late for my eyes to bare but my fingers itch for the feelings within me to pour out. This world is mad and until a minute ago I was mad too at it for allowing itself to become its own ridicule. My madness though, will only be adding to the evident one we see. Humanity is destroying itself because it has lost the essence of what it is to take responsibility for what it sees. We have played the blame game, and entrusted other people with our health, finances, even our lives. But what else was there to do? This is the normality isn’t it? The only way this structure called society has offered us. But now everything is so bleak, unpromising, getting worse and just on the verge of collapse? Why? I mean this is intensely worrisome and scary when you do contemplate our fate, what it is going to be if all this continues. So, at this point, I have decided, that I need to take responsibility of my own state of internal affairs, because the prior question is one that does not have a standard answer we can all agree to. The only thing I can change is me, you know, be the change I wish to see. :)  It will always be like that until the people themselves see it fit for their own lives, to change. I mean some are adamant their lives are perfect. Honestly. It is so tiring to carry the world and its delusion on your shoulders and think it will willingly get off of them because it realizes the burden. We cannot change this external hell hole, or should I say ‘whole’ we see until something in us changes, ‘the projector’ needs to empty its hard drive. And that is painful to admit, to face and especially accept. The madness is in each one of us, and is projected to form this craziness, that is the root. From within. We deal everyday with different set of eyes that have different beliefs and standpoints that no one can change to be otherwise unless they allow it, to change it for them is another ‘God-task’ on its own. Lol. It becomes another ‘you are lying, you are not’ situation if people are pressured to be something they are not which further separates us. It is a predicament and it has been for thousands of years now. The patterns are there, war, poverty, these are just some of the recycled problems, not new problems. This just gets me wondering again, are we blind to this or we would rather choose to turn a blind eye to them, or even both? Is life easier that way? I appreciate people who make it their purpose to inform the world about its dealings that are not honestly transmitted to the public. The only thing at this point is to share information, and make people aware of the elephant that has always been in the room, the truth! It’s up to the people and it has always been. And one other thing I have seen even for myself is that our attachments are one of our greatest vices.  That’s another thought that deserves it own space here.

Love and Light

xx

God

God, this name had so many images in my mind. At times I thought of a father figure, bigger than usual, the lover of all, a despiser of sin, having 6 billion eyes on everyone, expecting them to follow his commandments righteously. And an avid listener to prayers.  At times I saw a white bearded man, surrounded by angels who look below us and record our every move on the book of life, which is basically the judgment list. This was my mind, trying to form imagery that can at least show me, or depict my thoughts on what God is. I needed to see or have a sense of knowledge on what He is. His nature, his form, and his heaven. I was told that He loved me, that he wanted to give me all I want and need as long as I prayed about it and confessed all my wrong doings so that he can forgive me. That was my relation. Don’t get me wrong, this is just how I felt. But even though my Christian faith told me all this, and told me that the bible is the word of God, and that there is no truth beyond that of the bible, my heart was empty.  Religion was the right thing to do, that’s what I thought anyway, but it did not feel right to me. I would go to church and repent, but my patterns still repeated.  I didn’t feel renewed in any kind of way. I just decided one morning, last year to be a bit precise, that I needed to let these all go. My religion, my beliefs, my values, my thoughts that I fixated on people, the world, I just let them all go. Basically all the stories I had about this life, my life. It was all too heavy to carry, all too painful as I never felt like i was getting anywhere. Stagnant. All of it was. And my life followed route of this stagnation. I even let go of my thoughts on God.  From then on, my perception has expanded.  My life grew a new light. To some extend as a religious person I felt restricted to relate with others, because I related to them through my beliefs, and it bottled the flow of my experience or interaction with them since I had my  own ideas that concluded who they were, not seeing them for what they truly are. The same as me. Having the same fear, sorrow, pain, happiness of this human experiences but in a different way. I began directly exploring the light within me. This new feeling that changed my perception of the world, my world. And I began seeing that it all leads us to the source of all pure love.  I grew an appreciation and acceptance of all other paths, religions, perceptions. I still am. I knew that not all people will appreciate my way, but that in fact it is how it should be, because it is like that. My battles with the external world are lessening.  And truth about the world I live in is evident. The Most High/The source/The Creator, many names are used for that which is regarded the creator of all creations. We are all manifestations of the greatest form of Love. We are all connected beyond our differences. We are One with The Most High and The Most High is one with us.. With all creation. That is the experience I’m still learning, and the learning has no limit, no destination.I became open minded. All I keep finding out within me is that God is beyond any thought, any word, any explanation that our minds can make up. God is not of the mind but beyond it. God is an ineffable experience not many have truly experienced. I still feel hesitant of using the word God, because of what we have made him to be in our minds, the word has created an image, a form. I’m not religious, but I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Everyone should follow the path that suits them best.

The fragile word: Love

People have an intrinsic need to be loved. Every single one. Whether they put on hard outer shells that seems to say otherwise, or whether they choose to believe love, hope, trust are weaknesses, they want to be loved. The little spark of hope never dies, it lingers there for someone to see it, feel it, and bring it to the surface of their lives. Every one wants that experience of feeling appreciated, loved and honoured by someone.'Love is overated' they say, of course it is!! Its because we are constantly trying to define love, to fit it in a box that portrays our own ideas of what it should be, never just simmering ourselves in it, with no fragment of 'i might get hurt'. We wait, for our doubts and insecurities to prove that we were right, that there is no such thing as love. One thing we especially fall trap to, is expecting someone to love us the way we have never loved ourselves, we want the blanks to be filled in, which we never got around to filling. Isn't that just insane of us? Its hard, to get to a place where you truly love who you are, why can't people work with that before they start seeking for love. Love is hard. But its not impossible. Its a rare feeling.That is why you see frail souls that wait.for.love. Those fortified walls that we build around our hearts to prevent us from getting hurt, end up HURTING us. These days the heart is perceived as weak, senseless, naive. Even the people around you tell you that love is just a dream you soon wake up from. Have you ever loved with no expectation? With no ideal picture of what the love of your life should be like, should behave like? Not many of us have right? Our problem is that we package happiness into that ''he has to be loving, handsome, tall'' bullshit and all the mess we think we will find. 'The perfect match' is just an illusion(unless you create someone that will be and do everything you feel they have to, to make you happy which is just a long yawn, lol). We never just learn to take people as they are, to love them as they are, to actually tell them the truth you feel and see about them. Work on each other's weaknesses and irritating habits so that they eventually become strengths. Some relationships are meant to last for as long as they last and some, well, for a day or a month. Permanency is just a thing we wish for because we want that security, that we have actually invested ourselves, feelings(possibly money) into someone else and you don't want that to feel worthless. People end up treating you bad because you cling to permanency. Thats actually treating yourself bad. See yourself as you see the person you love. Value and respect who you are before you think someone else will do that for you. We don't love for just the sake of loving. Enjoy whatever joys you experience in your life as it unfolds. Nothing is permanent, i mean people die, they leave, its all just the process of this human experience. Love yourself and stop waiting to be loved. Thats how it starts. By being what you want from this world. Life becomes easier that way. Desires fade where there is love.

Brand new everything

A brand new day never seems new, does it? We say that its a new day yet it still feels familiar, a curious case of everyday 'deja vu'.  It evidently carries yesterday's battles, lingering thoughts of 'what i could or should have done', the mistakes we continue to correct in our minds over and over again,and then, you come to realize, another day has ended, without a ray of new. The essence of a brand new day seems lost. It seems hidden under lost hopes and monotonous patterns, because we forget to let go of the rust of the past day, we still attach ourselves to yesterday, even if it has passed.. ridiculous isn't it!!?. For us to actually see the brand new moment, this 'newness', we need to make space for it . Our minds and lives seem clustered, with no space to embrace anything. We wake up, do the same patterns of life we have always been doing. How is that ever going to make us aware of the radiance of a new day? when we are always occupied with our schedules and plans for each day? we just never get to BE and loosen all the tenseness of something going wrong. We carry on through our days without an ounce of joy to actually appreciate even the smallest things that you can feel the warmness of the earth around you, that you lived to see another day in this earth. Even the reflection of ourselves become old, dull, familiar, that we fail to appreciate our beauty.We look forward to others doing that for us. Is this really living? We have a choice to live each day to its purpose, a joyous purpose. And it starts with being thankful. To enjoy something, means to let go of all expectations about it, immense yourself in it and become one with it. It's not everyday that we feel we want to do what we have to, but doing that with a positive mindset, adding your own joy to it, makes a visible difference. Our days seem dead, dormant. It's time to bring them back to life, and that also means bringing back the feel and smell of a brand new day. New means unfamiliar. Focusing on the future is impractical when you forget about the present.

Rumbling thoughts

I’m frustrated, circumstances which seem to be stagnant and dormant frustrate me, even with the signposts signaled to actually make amends, these people still choose to feel they know what is best and things are just FRUSTRATING. Botswana's creative element, being art in all regards seems to be taken for granted, underrated to say the least. This is where my heart is, this is where I feel at home and ever effortless in what I do.  Can we really say this 'industry' is growing? It’s quite demoralizing and depressing to be passionate about something that your country does not seem to appreciate its worth, because we all know that earning a living in this country has been established to be 'the formal path', going to school and earning a degree. That’s how you earn your living here, as for art, it’s rarely that you have continuous jobs or gigs to do, money is basically a damn hustle.... How are artists fueled to grow, how are talents nurtured here? To get sponsored by this council should not seem such a hard task, why should it? Yes, there is some that they do, but it is too far from being enough. We see the same acts every single year, and their growth is entirely small.Obviously more should be done. The shows might be expanding on the prizes and so forth they offer, but what about the participators themselves?? What happens to them? silence seems to rule as the answer for this. And please, can they drop the whole ‘we don’t have money’ story. We don't even have a school of arts for goodness sake. When we all know the money to establish it is there, money is just being used in other directions and art seems to be the furthest. Apparently the one in Oodi that was built is collapsing and it was never even opened( i dont know how true this is, but since we rarely get info in any regards to this, we shall take the little we hear into consideration) *sigh*.. The people who were appointed for runnings of arts and such (youth and culture) seem to be doing nothing. What are we saying as aspiring artists, if we want to change the situation? It’s like artistry is a hobby, and should not be paid for, even the 'resources' for it are overlooked to be needed. This is just depressing. Makes you want to leave this forsaken country! lol.. but seriously, something has to change. We know how already hard it is to make it in this industry, but the likelihood seems to be diminishing even further, and it looks like it is going to take a while for this to happen, im talking 'a period of years' while, by the look of things. so, should we package all the skills we have to fit in that time. I know I’m not the first person to say this, mention or complain if you can call it complaining. I just wish for people to stop blindsiding themselves to the facts in front of them. Art is not being given a chance it deserves in Botswana. Who should we talk to if we try directly talk to these people and still, stagnant waters. Patience, yes, it’s certainly a virtue. But some issues have been overlooked too much. I just think talent is immense here, the creativity is mind boggling. We just need to be seen beyond the shadows of doubt which has been covered over us, we are capable of incredible things. petitions if we may, to save who we are, art! we just can't always hope to work in order to finance our dreams. this should be a violation to nature's law. :)

Growth

People constantly use this word, but i always find it hard to know when to use it. We hear 'this year i want to grow spiritually' or my 'business to grow' or 'my art to grow'. It always seems to concentrate itself as we approach every new year when people make resolutions to better themselves and their lives. But do we ever question ourselves what 'growth' is to us personally? beyond its meaning that we have been taught it is? Do we ever sit down, with all the cluster in our mind of past hurts, disappointments and regrets, pain, and also the best moments, examine what all this has taught us, or led us, before we wish for this growth? Isn't this process of evaluation in its capsules, embedding this sense of growth? Its like we want to grow yet we don't want to see where we are growing from. This also makes it possible for you to see if the events in your life have become a pattern, just so you break it or you do not repeat the same mistakes. This desire for growth, must mean that the more you wish for elevation, more experience, more money, with all this comes even more challenging obstacles and do we ever say 'Am i ready' to give my life this seed of growth, and watch it, nurture it, accept it however it manifests itself with no sense of expectation that it should be in some imagined form we would like it to be. Does growth mean 'what we want' or simply the lessons we get from whatever happens in our life, be it materialistic or not and use it to the best of our ability.  I guess its a personalized definition. But what the elapsed year taught me is to be grateful for every single situation, because in every single one of them, I can possibly grow. Remember the present moment is all we have to make a path of fulfilled dreams and aspirations.