God

God, this name had so many images in my mind. At times I thought of a father figure, bigger than usual, the lover of all, a despiser of sin, having 6 billion eyes on everyone, expecting them to follow his commandments righteously. And an avid listener to prayers.  At times I saw a white bearded man, surrounded by angels who look below us and record our every move on the book of life, which is basically the judgment list. This was my mind, trying to form imagery that can at least show me, or depict my thoughts on what God is. I needed to see or have a sense of knowledge on what He is. His nature, his form, and his heaven. I was told that He loved me, that he wanted to give me all I want and need as long as I prayed about it and confessed all my wrong doings so that he can forgive me. That was my relation. Don’t get me wrong, this is just how I felt. But even though my Christian faith told me all this, and told me that the bible is the word of God, and that there is no truth beyond that of the bible, my heart was empty.  Religion was the right thing to do, that’s what I thought anyway, but it did not feel right to me. I would go to church and repent, but my patterns still repeated.  I didn’t feel renewed in any kind of way. I just decided one morning, last year to be a bit precise, that I needed to let these all go. My religion, my beliefs, my values, my thoughts that I fixated on people, the world, I just let them all go. Basically all the stories I had about this life, my life. It was all too heavy to carry, all too painful as I never felt like i was getting anywhere. Stagnant. All of it was. And my life followed route of this stagnation. I even let go of my thoughts on God.  From then on, my perception has expanded.  My life grew a new light. To some extend as a religious person I felt restricted to relate with others, because I related to them through my beliefs, and it bottled the flow of my experience or interaction with them since I had my  own ideas that concluded who they were, not seeing them for what they truly are. The same as me. Having the same fear, sorrow, pain, happiness of this human experiences but in a different way. I began directly exploring the light within me. This new feeling that changed my perception of the world, my world. And I began seeing that it all leads us to the source of all pure love.  I grew an appreciation and acceptance of all other paths, religions, perceptions. I still am. I knew that not all people will appreciate my way, but that in fact it is how it should be, because it is like that. My battles with the external world are lessening.  And truth about the world I live in is evident. The Most High/The source/The Creator, many names are used for that which is regarded the creator of all creations. We are all manifestations of the greatest form of Love. We are all connected beyond our differences. We are One with The Most High and The Most High is one with us.. With all creation. That is the experience I’m still learning, and the learning has no limit, no destination.I became open minded. All I keep finding out within me is that God is beyond any thought, any word, any explanation that our minds can make up. God is not of the mind but beyond it. God is an ineffable experience not many have truly experienced. I still feel hesitant of using the word God, because of what we have made him to be in our minds, the word has created an image, a form. I’m not religious, but I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Everyone should follow the path that suits them best.

The fragile word: Love

People have an intrinsic need to be loved. Every single one. Whether they put on hard outer shells that seems to say otherwise, or whether they choose to believe love, hope, trust are weaknesses, they want to be loved. The little spark of hope never dies, it lingers there for someone to see it, feel it, and bring it to the surface of their lives. Every one wants that experience of feeling appreciated, loved and honoured by someone.'Love is overated' they say, of course it is!! Its because we are constantly trying to define love, to fit it in a box that portrays our own ideas of what it should be, never just simmering ourselves in it, with no fragment of 'i might get hurt'. We wait, for our doubts and insecurities to prove that we were right, that there is no such thing as love. One thing we especially fall trap to, is expecting someone to love us the way we have never loved ourselves, we want the blanks to be filled in, which we never got around to filling. Isn't that just insane of us? Its hard, to get to a place where you truly love who you are, why can't people work with that before they start seeking for love. Love is hard. But its not impossible. Its a rare feeling.That is why you see frail souls that wait.for.love. Those fortified walls that we build around our hearts to prevent us from getting hurt, end up HURTING us. These days the heart is perceived as weak, senseless, naive. Even the people around you tell you that love is just a dream you soon wake up from. Have you ever loved with no expectation? With no ideal picture of what the love of your life should be like, should behave like? Not many of us have right? Our problem is that we package happiness into that ''he has to be loving, handsome, tall'' bullshit and all the mess we think we will find. 'The perfect match' is just an illusion(unless you create someone that will be and do everything you feel they have to, to make you happy which is just a long yawn, lol). We never just learn to take people as they are, to love them as they are, to actually tell them the truth you feel and see about them. Work on each other's weaknesses and irritating habits so that they eventually become strengths. Some relationships are meant to last for as long as they last and some, well, for a day or a month. Permanency is just a thing we wish for because we want that security, that we have actually invested ourselves, feelings(possibly money) into someone else and you don't want that to feel worthless. People end up treating you bad because you cling to permanency. Thats actually treating yourself bad. See yourself as you see the person you love. Value and respect who you are before you think someone else will do that for you. We don't love for just the sake of loving. Enjoy whatever joys you experience in your life as it unfolds. Nothing is permanent, i mean people die, they leave, its all just the process of this human experience. Love yourself and stop waiting to be loved. Thats how it starts. By being what you want from this world. Life becomes easier that way. Desires fade where there is love.